Next to Normal

Thursday I got the chance to see Next to Normal, a beautifully written rock musical about one woman's fight with bipolar disorder and grief. The story shook me to the core and it's taken me this long to try and get my mind around what I'd seen.

The writers did a phenomenal job at truthfully portraying a real life mental illness. Diana, the lead character, goes on a roller coaster ride of depression and bipolar disorder as well as crippling grief. From the numbness of meds to the scary spiral of trying to deal with it on her own, and at one point completely giving in to it and letting it pull her down to suicidal attempts. It was funny, frank, and real.

The wake up call I had from the evening was the complete distress and pain her illness was causing her Husband. This is something very near and dear to my heart. I've worried for a long time about how my personal illness impacts my family. It is hard in the thick of things to see what is going on around you and how others are being touched and hurt by what is broken in your mind.

What I saw on the stage was a Husband who was just as broken as his wife. In horrid pain watching her slowly slipping away. Trying to hold on to what little of the firecracker he married remained. Desperately grasping at straws to pull her out of her misery and help her to recover. Willing to try anything to make her well. In the meantime falling further and further into an illness of his own.

It's hard to see that when you are consumed. But when someone puts it in front of you on a stage it becomes so clear. When you are suffering you don't suffer alone. The people that love you are hurting right along side you. So treat them with care. Remember that they are there next to you in love. And to you family members reading who are walking along side someone with a mental illness let me take the time to say thank you for what you do. Thank you for not walking away. Thank you for standing strong when they can't.

To my own Husband, strong and stable, thank you. Thank you for pushing me to go out of the house when I think I can't. (Even though in the moment I hate you for it). Thank you for knowing when I need tough love and when I need a soft place to fall. Thank you mostly for staying, even though it hurts. Know that I see you.

I Am the One

~ Lyrics by Brian Yorkey

Can you tell me what it is you're afraid of?

Can you tell me why i'm afraid it's me?

Can I touch you?

We've been fine for so long now

How could something go wrong that i can't see?

Cause I'm holding on

and I won't let go

I just thought you should know

I am the one who knows you

I am the one who cares

I am the one who's always been there

I am the one who's helped you

And if you think that I just don't give a damn

Then you just don't know who I am

A Lesson From a 2nd Grade Spelling Bee

Today I watched my very grown up daughter, who is 8, in the district wide spelling bee.

She spelled great. She was poised and lovely. Funny and smart. She came in second place. I could burst I am so proud. But it's not her spelling today that made the biggest impact on me.

This morning as her opponents were spelling she would stand next to them on the stage and celebrate every word spelled correctly. And as her friends started to misspell and have to sit down she went to comfort them one by one. A hug and a "great job". The tears came flowing down my face as I watched the love of Christ just come beaming out of that little girl. I take no credit for the beautiful content of her character. I know that what I saw today was Christ in her. Her gracious spirit, her comforting ways, those belong to Him.

So tonight we celebrate. A silver medal, yes, but more so a life so young dedicated and dictated to the one true King.

"Good Moms..."

We've all seen this saying in one form or another on the book face or pintrest:

I get the well meaning behind it. I get the idea that obsessing over a clean house and taking your attention away from your kids will lead to unhappy kids. But I take offense to this quote. On several levels, in fact. 

The first of which is, can we please stop classifying some Moms as good and others as bad?! FOR THE LOVE. Can't we just agree that there are different kinds of Moms? Some are dirty, some are clean, some are chefs, and others serve take out every night. It just is. We are all doing the best we can with the hand that we are dealt. 

The second is, I like clean floors. I love a sparkly oven. And you know what? My kids are happy as clams thank you very much. Those things are NOT mutually exclusive. Save your damn breath. I am personally not happy until my floors aren't sticky and if Mama isn't (I refuse to even type the "word" ain't) happy then no one's going to be happy. My kids stand a better chance of being happy when I am happy and relaxed and that can't happen with a crusty oven. It's who I am, and according to all of my daily affirmations I am good and gosh darn it people like me. 

So please save it. Don't tell me my kids can't be happy if I have a clean house. And I won't tell you that your kids can't be happy living in filth. Deal? 

Out Loud

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month I am going to open up and spill some of my unadulterated truth in hopes that will inspire just one person to be who they are all of the time. No matter what the world may say about it. I pretend to be a live-out-loud, no secrets, this is who I am kind of girl. And yet there I things I hide because of the social stigma. And I think that's bullshit. That's right I swear. A lot. It's not something I'm proud of but it's part of who I am. I am no longer going to let the fear of judgement make me hide that away. There's a bunch more of that coming so hold on to your hats.

This is my truth:
I'm loud. I'm over bearing. I'm a control freak. I like to have sex with my Husband. I've got one hell of a dirty mind. I have a severe attitude problem. I can't ever be wrong. I LOVE a good glass of wine. I'm not great at forgiveness. I make snap judgments everyday. (I am usually wrong, but won't admit it) I am pig headed and stubborn. I speak before I think, although I think I need a little more of that. I am selfish. I love attention. I can't stand when someone says something bad about me. I have a severe need to be liked. I used to cut myself because I wouldn't let myself ask for help. Being alone scares me. I have a phobia. I have another phobia. I have a panic disorder. I struggle with depression.

This is also my truth:
I'm brave. I'm doing my best at raising three kids. I have a Husband who loves me. I love to laugh. I'm loyal to a fault. I'm kind. I cry at nearly every movie I watch.  I care about the feelings of others. I'd rather watch a baseball game with my Husband than go on a shopping spree. I value life no matter what size. I love the Lord Jesus with all of my heart and I no that no matter how long and how deep that list on top is, He loves me too.

That's the thing here, nothing can take you away from the love of your Savior. No one's opinion of you. No one's biting words. Not the bad decisions you've made. Not your character defects. Not your foolish pride. NOTHING. And unless you have the courage to be who you are out loud no one can see you and love you for who you are. And someone will.

I struggled with panic and depression silently for 20 years. Don't do that. Speak. Speak out loud your truth. Once you do the weight of silence will dissipate and for the first time in a long time you will feel seen. That can be scary, but fight through it healing is waiting on the other side.

Brunner Chronicles

~ So I'm recovering still from the tummy bug I got on Tuesday evening. Emets: Yes I got it. No I didn't vomit. And yes I am mentally stable(ish). My body is really sore all over and I am weak beyond words. I am also thankful beyond words for the mercy of the Lord which brought me through the trial.

~ Relying a lot on the grace of my family the last couple of days as the pain and my hormones (I hate PMS) have made me, um, a little (HA!) grumpy. Feeling guilty for the heads which I have bitten off and the feelings that I have hurt. Working today on asking for forgiveness from both God and the ones I have hurt with my biting words.

~ Thankful for the out pouring of support from my friends and family. No one is more blessed than I am in the support department.

~ A special thank you to my Hubby who kept everything running as I laid in bed on Wednesday praying for sweet death. The kids were fed, played with, and well taken care of. (Almost makes up for my box of kittens, almost.)

~ Spent some awesome time yesterday sitting on the floor with my blonde boy making trains out of blocks and then crashing them. I love that about boys. We worked at painstakingly placing each block in the correct place only to smash them into an oblivion three seconds later. With the girls we had to save block towers for months!

That's what's going on at our house. What have I missed with you?

Gratitude

When the chips were way down yesterday all of my friends and family showed up in heaps to help me. 

To offer support and to love me. I want you all to know, that I am grateful for each and every one of you. Thank you for always being my safety net.

 I wish I could find you all and give you a huge love-in style group hug. Since that is not possible I am going to offer up this ridiculous picture to try and make you laugh. 

You. Are. Welcome.

Expletive.

I sit and I wait for it to come. Most of the time it doesn't come. But I'm always waiting. Watching for those little signs that it's on it's way.

Today I've seen many. Today found me literally rocking and using all of my energy and focus to breathe in and out. I couldn't take care of my kids. I couldn't make dinner. I couldn't even make a simple decision. I was just frozen focusing on not throwing up. On not going over the edge into insanity.

I scared my daughter because she thought I was "really going crazy this time". That hurts so bad I can't even put it into words. I can't describe the feeling of disgust for myself that I get when I think that I made that little girl, who should be thinking about ponies and Barbies, worry that her Mama was going to go clinically insane. I hate myself for that.

Why can't I just force myself to get up and get over it? Why can't I just power it out? What is this nasty bullshit and why won't it just leave me the hell alone?! And how many times have I cried out to God to take this away from me? WHY is this still breaking me down piece by piece and hurting my family? When will this make sense?